Annonymity (sp?)

Set a new juggling best yesterday. Fifty-two.
I'm still using a size one ball so I reckon that's pretty good.

Now I was thinking, I don't write this blog under my real name.
Sam was my nickname a long time ago, but noone that I know now uses it.
I do strive to remain annonymous on the internet.
I don't want people who know me in real life to know what I'm thinking, nor do I want them to know what I do.
So I wonder, how many people try to be someone else online?
And by someone else I mean same personality, same everything, just a different name and more open about sharing things about yourself.
Is it sad that I have noone to talk to?
I suppose so. But I don't really mind.

There used to be someone I talked to a lot.
Used to text me all the time, talk to me a school.
We were good friends.
What changed?
Senior year there was these girls.
Same situation both times.
He liked her, she liked him, but they never went out or anything.
And I was convienently forgotten about.
We went to uni, and we're doing the same degree.
But he got a girlfirend and yep, you guessed it, no more hanging out with him.
I do miss it sometimes.
But I'll get used to it. I'll live. People change.

There was a study.
Apparently, people only really have five close friends at a time.
And when they get into a relationship, one friend is dropped.
I guess this time it was me.
Oh well. Live goes on. Hopefully..

-Sam

Football and fitness

So taking a year off football was a bad idea.
Before this year I would train or play at least four times a week, but more often it was six.
And then in the off season/summer holidays I would play squash.
So I was fairly fit.
Now, after a year off doing fuck all exercise I have gotten really unfit.
Great.
So I decided to do the Couch to 5K program thing.
I started at week three though, because I'm not that unfit.
Well, I'm really unfit for a football player but yea...
I mean week one was one minute walking alternated with a minute and a half of walking.
So yea, I skipped a couple of weeks.
Now I'm on week five. And I'm doing okay.
It's not killing me.
Yet.
So hopefully this time next month I'll be able to run at least five kilometres without stopping.
I do know my route.
And hopefully after that I can do my 7.5K route.
And then by Christmas, the 10K route that i have in mind.

It feels good to have a goal.
Yes, yes it does.

I have exams in five-ish weeks.
Maybe I should make them a goal too.
Hmm...or not. I reckon I'll pass easy.

Oh yea! I forgot to write about the football part.
I need to find a wall that I can practise passing against to improve my ball control.
Especially with my right foot.
I used to be really good a dribbling and shooting so I need to work on those again.
And I've started practising juggling.
My record is forty-six.
Which doesn't sound like much, but I'm using a size one ball.
So it is quite a lot really.
I needs to get me a size five ball though so I can practise properly.

Hasta luego,
Sam

These are a few of my favourite things...

All the things/people I really, really like/am a fan of;
1. Coffee. Can not survive without it.
2. Heavy music. I do listen to other things but right now, I'm really going for the loud stuff.
3. Comedians; Russell Howard, Dylan Moran, Eddie Izzard, Adam Hills, Jimmy Carr, Michael McIntyre, David Mitchell.
4. Football. Eight years of it later, in the mud, sun and rain, and I stilll get exciting for games.
5. Footballers. Don't care what club (unless they're Man U) as long as they're good; Xabi Alonso, Fernando Torres, Ryan Giggs (the one exception), Joe Cole, Joe Hart, Xavi, Cesc Fabregas, etc...I'll probably do another post just on footballers.
6. Liverpool FC. My first love is Liverpool but I have a soft spot for Chelsea because some people are just a bad influence.
7. Anberlin. First band I ever really liked, and the only band I still like from back then.
8. Rubik's cubes. Because in all reality I'm a nerd.
9. Mathematics. Again, me=nerd. Also, its only thing that I ever though I was good at.
10. Walking in the rain. Hardly anyone else is out and its just relaxing.
11. Harry Potter. Loved it since I was nine.
12. Books. The type that I like create a whole new world that I can just get lost in.
13. Drawing. I like doing it but I'm not particularly good at it.
14. Languages. I don't speak any other than English, but they still intrigue me. Especialy ancient ones.

I shall continue this. Its rather theraputic thinking of what I really like as opposed to things that make me worry..

Memories which make me smile

So I haven't written anything in a while.
Mostly because I've been busy with uni and other stuff.

But recently, I've started writing lists again.
In particular a bucket list and of things that I can't help but smile at when I remember them.
I started the bucket list because I thinght I would be good to know what I want to achieve in life and I'll have something to aim for.
Hopefully it'll motivate me a bit, because so far it's all achievable though of couse some things are harder than others.
So far I have forty things. But I'm still working on it.

The idea for the second list kind of hit me one day when I was bored in a lecture.
See, I have a habit of remembering things that I could have done better or things that I should have said and it just gets me down.
So I thought for me to be happier in life, I should try to remember the good things that have happened.
And then when I'm depressed I can look at it an remember that life isn't all that bad really, even though it seems like it sometimes.

But something I found slightly odd was how infrequently my freiend appear on this list.
I haven't figured out why this is yet.
But I will.

Also I still haven't started writing those stories that I had ideas for.
I suppose they'll have to wait for the summer break or NaNoWriMo or something.
And on the subject of summer break I need to start my job search soon.
Yes, yes I do.

Hasta luego,
Sam

And so it is, I can't wait to get over this...

So it happens ever three or four months.
Nothing I can do can stop me from feeling this way.
I can't bring myself do anything other than stare at my ceiling.
And something hurts.
I don't know why.
I'm definately not stressed, I am still on holiday after all.
Something hurts inside and I don't know whats causing it.
And everything just physically hurts.
My knees and ankle from football injuries.
My head. The constant pounding in my brain that won't let up and won't let me sleep for more that a few hours at a time.
And everytime I try to breathe, my cheast hurts like I'm being held underwater by an unseeable force.
It just hurts.
And I can do absolutely nothing about it.

Wr-wr-wr-writing

So, I haven't writen anything on this for a while.
I've been busy.
Well, not really. I am on holiday after all.
Doing absolutely nothing.

England got knocked out of the world cup.
That was a bit depressing and I have nothing in particular to say about it.
Spain is still in it though which is something I suppose.

I've started writing again.
I've got four ideas for stories and I've planned them out and everything.
But for some reason I just can't put pen to paper and write it out in full.
It's getting frustrating just staring at my screen for hours only to end up having writen about two hundred words.
Hopefully I will have something to post in the next couple of weeks.
I just don't like posting chapters and not being able to change them because they don't work in later chapters.
That is why I usually just write short stories.
I suppose I should finish the whole story before I start posting it then.
Yes, maybe I'll do that.

I've gotten addicted to The Sims again.
I have two guys in my current household and ones lifetime ambition is to be an astronaut which is awesome.
I usually just make the people and then quit the game.
But still, I think I'll keep playing this one.

-Sam

UAOY

I have nowhere to go.
I have nothing to feel.
I should have nothing to stress over.
And yet, I can't help thinking that there is something that I have forgotten.

Reid, you are amazing

So even though I want England to win the world cup, I still don't want New Zealand to fail epically because that is where I'm from.
When Slovakia scored that first goal last night I thought it was all over, expecially then Smeltz missed that free header in the eighty-somethingth minute.
But then Reid, the guy who did some amazing defending in the game as well, score in the third freaking minute of injury time.

So that was the first point New Zealand ever scored in the world cup, not including age group sides and womens.
And what makes the whole thing even better, is that so far, New Zealand have done better then those Australians :)

That game made my day/night. Morning? It was about 0115ish I think.
Hopefully I can watch the Spain game later because I have my last exam tomorrow.

Footyfootyfootyfooty. ENGLAND! ENGLAND!

Well, that's odd.
I just read the stuff I wrote about two weeks ago and I don't remember writing it at all.
So, suffice it to say, I am confused as to what it is about.

But on a slightly less confusing note, two down, two to go.
Done maths and biochem, now I've just got to do mechanics and design.
I should really be studying for mechanics right now too because my exam is on Tuesday morning :s
Yuss! Then I'm free for four weeks or so.

And I'm watching the World Cup.
Well, watching all the exciting games when I don't have exams, and recording the rest for later.

[footballrant]
England drew with the USA!?
Sheesh put Hart in goal and donn't start Heskey.
I know Green made a mistake that any keeper could make and Heskey set up Gerrard's goal, but still, you'd think that Capello would want to start his best team.
And I reckon the best England first eleven includes either James or Hart in goal.
James has the experience, after all he is the oldest player in the whole tournament, while Hart brilliant for a player you has next to no international experience.
And another thing, why would he give the No. One shirt to James but not use him in, debateably, their hardest match.
As for Heskey, I think that Defoe or Crouch would have been a better pick to start.
Simple as that.
[/footballrant]

Right now that I've gotten over that.
I've decided that I need to do something with myself.
I don't know what yet.
But I will eventually figure it out.
And I'll probably write it on here because I dont' talk to my friends as much as I used to.

-AJJ? or Sam, depends who I'm pretending to be a suppose :)

Tests, tests, and more tests. Oh and an exam somewhere too.

I had my first university exam today.
That was daunting.
But I went well I think even though I hardly studied.
So now I'm 25% through my exams and should be studying for my next one but I just can't be bothered.
But a week from now I'll have a four week break in which to watch the World Cup.

I want England to win.
I hope England will win.
But in the end I think Spain will win.

So really, I don't know why I'm writing this.
Not this post in particular.
But this whole blog.
It's not like anyone else reads it.
I wouldn't tell my friends about it.
After all it largely concerns my problems with them and life.
They don't need to hear about, or rather, read about all of that.
Because, really, its all quite trivial.

The blog which shall be rather ambiguously called "people"

I don't understand why people care so much about what they look like.
Surely, nobody else would care about what you look like.
If they're your friend, they're you friend for who you are and not what you wear.
Unless of course you are friends with unbelieveably fake and shallow people.
But that is beside the point.
And if someone does mock you for what you look like, then surely they aren't your friend.
This confuses me greatly.
And I shall write again once I think about it some more.

All we are to you is lost causes

I'm sick of being the one that can have no feelings.
I'm sick of being the one who has to hold everything in.
It what everyone expects of me.
It what everyone is used to.

I'm sick of never being allowed to be right.
I'm sick of nobody ever taking my side, simply because I'm me.
Which begs the question, why can't I just not be me?

The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had

I wish I couldn't feel.
Then nothing would be a problem.
I wouldn't worry about whether or not I've hurt someone.
I wouldn't lie awake at night, just filled with regret.
I would be able to live my life without any distractions.

My friends seem to be moving on without me.
I don't like it.
Not in the slightest.
I have to leave them to do what they want though.
After all I can't change what they do just because I want to talk to them.
I don't need to talk to anyone after.
I refuse to tell people anything.
It's not like they'd care anyway.
So I've decided.
Fuck it.

We've all been lost in this life

You know, I miss how you used to text just to say 'hi'.
I miss how you used to laugh when I said something stupid.
I miss how you'd blush when someone said what we both knew was true, but we're too embarassed to believe.
I miss how you'd actually bother to talk to me.
Most of all, I miss you.

You're the one that save me, did you know that?
I was on the verge of ending it.
All of it.
But the fact that someone actually liked me made me want to live just that bit longer.

I know you'll never read this.
I know that you'll never care again.
But despite what I know, I still hope that it is all not true.

I feel so helpless.
I'm struggling with the work.
I struggling with life.

I all honesty, I hate myself.
I hate who I used to be.
I hate who I am now.
And I hate what I know I will become.

It's like I'm trapped.
I didn't ask to be here.
I wish I had ended it.
At least then I wouldn't have had to endure this neverending ache inside.

Some people say that I'm just being trivial.
And they're right.
I am trivial.
I doesn't matter whether I live or die.
The few that do care, well, they'd soon get over it.
After all I'm nothing special.

I know we never were.
Yet, I can't help but think that this could have all ended differently.

Burning bridges baby, burning bridges, making wishes.

I wish I was burning this damn bridge.
I have to design a truss to hold as much weight as possible.
And I'm failing miserably.
I suppose I don't actually have to design a brilliant one because my group has already agreed on a design.
But I feel guilty for not actually trying.
But other than all this stuff, university is tolerable.
I have a test next week and exams in three but it should be all right.
I'll survive. Hopefully.

I'm also a lot poorer than I was yesterday.
Why?
Because I bought me a netbook.
Cost me my scholarship money but I reckon its worth it.
I'm sick of borrowing other peoples laptops for stuff like checking emails.
And checking email isn't worth going to the computer labs for.

I've been really tired lately.
And still unusually happy.
For me anyway.
All in all it had been a good week.

-AJJ

Quiz night yay

Tonight I went to a quiz :)
It was a fundraiser and we won.
Now were planning on starting a team for the weekly pub quiz at university.
That should be interesting.
One of our team isnt old enough yet so we'll have to wait.

I'm staying up until some ridiculous hour to watch the FA Cup Final.
Damn the time diference between here and there.
Chelsea better win.
I probably shouldn't be staying up because I've got a few assignments that I have to do tomorrow.
But to bad. I haven't seen a football game in a while.

-AJJ

Confusion

I wish I was a guy?
Maybe?
I sure as hell hate being a girl.
Maybe it's just a phase.
I hate the assumptions that come with being a girl.
PMSing? Pink? And whats with all the freaking shoes?!
I guess there's the same thing for guys.
But presumably they're things that I'd rather be.

I'm thinking of starting a double degree next year.
Higher work load, but two degrees at the end.
That'd always be an advantage for getting a job in the long run.
Should I really be thinking about the long term right now?
Or should I be thinking of how to get through this year?

-AJJ

Football and tests

It's not a song lyric, but it'll do.

I had a test last night. It went badly. I blanked. I think I passed though.
But on a slightly happier note I finished my assignments.
And I don't have another test for two weeks.

I played my last football game in September last year.
Now I miss not playing this season.
I miss training in the rain, the freezing cold, and most of all just running around keeping my mind off other things.
I think I'll use this year to get my fitness and skill up again so I get in a good team next year.
Although, it is quite fun to play against terrible teams because I can just walk them and I get shooting practise.
Or I could trial for the university team. That could work.

I'm looking forward to the World Cup.
ENGLAND.

-AJ

I feel so extraordinary

Somethings got a hold on me. I get this feeling I'm in motion. A sudden sense of liberty.
-True Faith (New Order)

I don't know why. I just feel so elated.
In all reality I shouldn't be.
I have so much work to do, and I'm quite, quite behind.
And yet.
It's just feel right to feel so happy.
And to be honest feeling happy is unusual for me.
I've been the moody, self depreciating teenager for a long time.
I can't change.
I haven't changed.
I'm sure I haven't. Have I?
-----
I'm starting this blog to be sure that I'm not losing my mind.
And I know that that sounds rather odd.
But there are just time where I have no idea what I've been thinking.
So here we go.
It's the start.