We've all been lost in this life

You know, I miss how you used to text just to say 'hi'.
I miss how you used to laugh when I said something stupid.
I miss how you'd blush when someone said what we both knew was true, but we're too embarassed to believe.
I miss how you'd actually bother to talk to me.
Most of all, I miss you.

You're the one that save me, did you know that?
I was on the verge of ending it.
All of it.
But the fact that someone actually liked me made me want to live just that bit longer.

I know you'll never read this.
I know that you'll never care again.
But despite what I know, I still hope that it is all not true.

I feel so helpless.
I'm struggling with the work.
I struggling with life.

I all honesty, I hate myself.
I hate who I used to be.
I hate who I am now.
And I hate what I know I will become.

It's like I'm trapped.
I didn't ask to be here.
I wish I had ended it.
At least then I wouldn't have had to endure this neverending ache inside.

Some people say that I'm just being trivial.
And they're right.
I am trivial.
I doesn't matter whether I live or die.
The few that do care, well, they'd soon get over it.
After all I'm nothing special.

I know we never were.
Yet, I can't help but think that this could have all ended differently.

Burning bridges baby, burning bridges, making wishes.

I wish I was burning this damn bridge.
I have to design a truss to hold as much weight as possible.
And I'm failing miserably.
I suppose I don't actually have to design a brilliant one because my group has already agreed on a design.
But I feel guilty for not actually trying.
But other than all this stuff, university is tolerable.
I have a test next week and exams in three but it should be all right.
I'll survive. Hopefully.

I'm also a lot poorer than I was yesterday.
Why?
Because I bought me a netbook.
Cost me my scholarship money but I reckon its worth it.
I'm sick of borrowing other peoples laptops for stuff like checking emails.
And checking email isn't worth going to the computer labs for.

I've been really tired lately.
And still unusually happy.
For me anyway.
All in all it had been a good week.

-AJJ

Quiz night yay

Tonight I went to a quiz :)
It was a fundraiser and we won.
Now were planning on starting a team for the weekly pub quiz at university.
That should be interesting.
One of our team isnt old enough yet so we'll have to wait.

I'm staying up until some ridiculous hour to watch the FA Cup Final.
Damn the time diference between here and there.
Chelsea better win.
I probably shouldn't be staying up because I've got a few assignments that I have to do tomorrow.
But to bad. I haven't seen a football game in a while.

-AJJ

Confusion

I wish I was a guy?
Maybe?
I sure as hell hate being a girl.
Maybe it's just a phase.
I hate the assumptions that come with being a girl.
PMSing? Pink? And whats with all the freaking shoes?!
I guess there's the same thing for guys.
But presumably they're things that I'd rather be.

I'm thinking of starting a double degree next year.
Higher work load, but two degrees at the end.
That'd always be an advantage for getting a job in the long run.
Should I really be thinking about the long term right now?
Or should I be thinking of how to get through this year?

-AJJ

Football and tests

It's not a song lyric, but it'll do.

I had a test last night. It went badly. I blanked. I think I passed though.
But on a slightly happier note I finished my assignments.
And I don't have another test for two weeks.

I played my last football game in September last year.
Now I miss not playing this season.
I miss training in the rain, the freezing cold, and most of all just running around keeping my mind off other things.
I think I'll use this year to get my fitness and skill up again so I get in a good team next year.
Although, it is quite fun to play against terrible teams because I can just walk them and I get shooting practise.
Or I could trial for the university team. That could work.

I'm looking forward to the World Cup.
ENGLAND.

-AJ

I feel so extraordinary

Somethings got a hold on me. I get this feeling I'm in motion. A sudden sense of liberty.
-True Faith (New Order)

I don't know why. I just feel so elated.
In all reality I shouldn't be.
I have so much work to do, and I'm quite, quite behind.
And yet.
It's just feel right to feel so happy.
And to be honest feeling happy is unusual for me.
I've been the moody, self depreciating teenager for a long time.
I can't change.
I haven't changed.
I'm sure I haven't. Have I?
-----
I'm starting this blog to be sure that I'm not losing my mind.
And I know that that sounds rather odd.
But there are just time where I have no idea what I've been thinking.
So here we go.
It's the start.